I stared at her as she walked through the sand and she stared at me at the same time.“Do not tease me about the tan lines,” Shelby threatened. Her words directed my attention back to her.“So you do, or don’t want some of this sunscreen?”“Do,” she said flatly.“Hang on.” I finished my face, neck and shoulders, the only trouble areas I had for sunburn. I would let the rest of my body darken to an impressive bronze every summer.I tossed the lotion bottle to Shelby.“Do you get darker than this?” Mandy asked casually, her own skin nearly as dark as mine.I held my arm up to hers, seeing who had the deeper tan.“A little, usually it’s all over by the time football starts.”Mikey skipped the lotion and headed into the small waves, splashing up water with his feet.“Will you do my back?” Shelby asked, turning and holding her hair up.I squeezed some lotion from the bottle, smeared it together in my palms and applied it dutifully to Shelby’s shoulders. I took a slight risk and whispered into her ear. I sit among the half-unpacked boxes, suddenly drained. I'm tired, oh-so-tired, both physically and emotionally. It hitsme when I least expect it, and the only thing that seems to help is sleep. So I stumble back to my bed and lay there, waiting for sleep to overtakeand heal me. But the one time I crave it, need it desperately, sleepfails to come for me. I lay there, exhausted, too tenseto sleep. Relax, I try to tell myself, just relax and sleep willfollow. Twenty minutes later and not only am I drained, I'mfrustrated as well. My mind is racing and it won't let go of the thoughtsenough to let me sleep. It doesn't help that those thoughts center aroundhim and the complexities of our relationship, the bad as well as the good. Every little thing I've ever done "wrong" (at least in mymind); every little word of praise and affection and yes, love, from him. I sit up, dangling my legs over the side of the bed, andrealise I'm still playing with the damned belt. Still turning it.
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